Depression

Man, I don’t want to be writing this... Depression has taken hold of me once again... I thought that my streaming hobby was keeping it in check, but no, not really.

So for three days now, instead of streaming, I’ve spent most of the time in bed, sleeping or trying to fall asleep. Nothing else seems to be working. I don’t want to play a game. I don’t want to go on Reddit looking for friends. I don’t want to message streamers inviting them to come to the interview. I don’t want to watch YouTube. I don’t want to listen to music. I don’t want to be awake even. And I definitely don’t want to be writing an article. But here we are.

A bit of history is in order. I’ve had depression in one form or another for over 10 years now. But it is only for the past 5 years that is has been a real problem, making normal life impossible at times. Five years ago I had to quit my job (and my life) in Norway, come back home to Latvia, live with my parents, have them take care of me, and seek treatment from doctors. Chronic physical stress at work was what led me to ultimately burn out and it was the final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. It just broke me.

I remember when returned to Latvia and talked to my first psychiatrist, describing my situation to her in great detail, she said three things to me: 1) that I had a severe case of depression, 2) that I may never get better, 3) that our government takes care of people like that.

Her second point was the most discouraging: that I may never get better, that this is my new normal, my new reality. I’ve read around five books on depression, including one on existential psychotherapy, and most of them said the same thing: that approximately a third of all cases of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) are incurable. So I was really wondering whether I was unlucky enough to be in that category.

Today, five years later, I can definitely say that over the years my condition has improved. Five years ago I was in a far worse state than I am today. So for that I am thankful. However, my condition is still not well enough for me to live a normal life or hold down a job.

One rather expensive doctor, a psychiatrist, told me that basically I will have good days and I will have bad days, and that there is nothing I can do about that. I just have to endure the bad ones, just wait for them to be over. And I guess she was right.

So here I am, a period of bad days has begun and I don’t want anything at all. I have no motivation to do anything productive, anything of substance. I neglect my friends, I neglect my streaming schedule, neglect many other things.

But I’m not complaining. And I don’t want your pity. But I will appreciate you understanding the state I am in.