Hopes and dreams

I have been thinking a lot of this aspiration of being a streamer. “What do I really want?” I see streamers with thousands of viewers and I think “Woah, that’s a lot. I won’t be able to handle that. I don’t really want that.” Then I see streamers with one or zero viewers and I think “I don’t want that either. That seems sad.”

So, I suppose I would want some success, but not too much. Maybe a hundred viewers as an end-goal.

I’ve also been thinking that like with many new undertakings, this one is giving me a bit of an uneasy feeling. Maybe it’s the fear of failure. A fear that my streaming is not wanted. Will I be entertaining enough? Worth watching? Worth sticking around for? I guess the only way to find out is to try. Give it a month and judge by the results.

What else?

On one hand, in the past I’ve been told that I am an interesting conversationalist and a good interviewer. So perhaps there is some promise for me in this streaming business yet. I could make it my pastime to really interview other streamers. It would give me something to do, keep me engaged, and it will utilize the few skills that I do have. To my advantage.

Furthermore, I have the experience of reaching out to people, knocking on doors, so to speak. Maybe this is what all that preparation was for.

On the other hand, I lead a reclusive life, I am an outcast of sorts. I stay in my room all day, every day. I really don’t have that much experience socializing with people. At 37 years of age, I am unmarried, childless, partnerless, and I have no plans of changing any of that. I am perfectly comfortable leading this solitary sedentary lifestyle. Not just that, but I wouldn’t want to impose any of my issues on anyone new, to burden others.

What I do have in abundance is time. I have all the time in the world. 24/7 I can do what I want, I am left to my own devices. Yes, clinical depression makes it hard to find motivation to do anything productive with that abundance of time. But if I could just find a way to utilize those daily hours…

Streaming. Maybe streaming really is the way to go, my niche to take.

Honestly, I don’t set myself up with any expectations. God knows, I’ve tried many “projects” before and abandoned all of them. But… who knows? Right?